The Toadstool Opus

The Mario Bros saga is as ancient and hallowed as the Rubicks Cube:

The setting is a world made of worlds, a massive plane of adventure with one uniting trait. A vast and complex network of pipes transversing every island and continent. A place where plumbers, with their natural understanging of pipes, are naturally heroes. And so the story goes:

Plumber befreinds majical monarch. Bipedal fire-breathing Turtle dinosaur kidnaps Princess. Plumber walks, runs, jumps, and braves his way through lives and continues like most of us go through printer ink. Ultimately Plumber thwarts Dinosaur, releasing the princess, and saving her from the Evil dinosaur and his army of Goombas, Turtles, and spike ball dropping clouds. Princess awards plumber with convincing, but G-rated gesture of gratitude and ill-defined affection.

With slight variations, and exempting one acid trip of a sequel (SMB2 for NES), this has essentially been the plot of every game in the "Core" or "Backbone" Mario series: Super Mario Brothers, SMB 3, Super Mario World, Mario 64, and Mario Sunshine. These are therefore the only parts of the Mario tale that bear the weight of "scripture", if you will, in analyzing this particular suspision:

I here and now submit that there is infact a deeper reality behind all of this. A dark truth hidden behind the bouncing stars and grinning cumulonimbi. A truth which will rattle your bones.

Before revealing this conspiracy, I must indulge a classic example to help prepare you for the forthcoming rush of insight.

Mario is a hero with few peers in fact or fiction.The Jack Ryan of the video game world. A man who has risen light years beyond what one might normally expect from his meager physical stature and common occupation. He has fought off thousands of monsters and bosses. Without fail, Mario has on at least half a dozen occasions brought a peaceful order back to the Mushroom Kingdom, all in the name his undying Love of Princess Toadstool.

But somehow, at the end of every mario game, we have all felt on some level that Mario never really gets his due. For mario its a pretty raw deal.

In Mario 64 (ENDING SPOILER COMING UP), Mario negotiates obstacles of unprecedented complexity. He overcomes the dangers of the third dimension, gathers at least 70 stars, and saves the Princess once again. Upon saving the Mushroom Kingdom from the brutal tyranny of Koopa, princess awards Mario with a kiss. On the tip of his nose. Mario leaps for joy, affirming what we all know. Mario is desperately in love with the Princess. The Princess, however, seems less enthusiastic about our chubby and humble pizza loving protagonist.

Princess Toadstool has, in reality only used her charms in order to enlist Mario to fight for the greater good for the kingdom she rules. Sure Mario thinks he has a chance to get a look under that pink dress. But sadly, we will never see Mario’s well justified lust satiated. He will eternally be strung along by the carrot of off-mouth kisses and promises of pastry.

Some would say that keeping an “E for Everyone” rating is the reason we never see our beloved plumber lay pipe as he was meant to, and that the virgin princess will remain so forever. The truth of the matter is, that the princess has a problem.

Every gorgeous woman must learn a delicate skill. The art of making male friends she is not attracted to, and keeping them near and at their disposal, without ever actually hooking up with them: “Just Friends.” She’s just not interested in Mario that way. He’s the sad schmuck she talks to. The one to whom she tells her woes. The shoulder she cries on. But when it comes to romance, it seem slike Mario just doesn’t have the genetic material she was looking for.

But why is it that Princess toadstoll doest want to "do the Mario"?

Is Mario, perhaps, destined to be the brother in law instead of the husband? Was he only a slot on the birth order away from glory? They say women always date men at least their height, and certainly Mario didn’t get the Yao Ming, super long jumping, and green suspender genes in his family. The truth is, Princess Toadstool, regardless of Mario's constant and uncanny heroics, has only one love, one partner who knows what she likes and how she likes it. Only one man who can give it to her right……

Is the secret love of the princess none other than Mario's closest freind and only brother: Luigi?









....Nope.... it is, in fact........

















King Bowser Koopa



That’s right. I said it. King Bowser Koopa, Soviergn Ruler of World 8, and all of the 7 worlds within his sphere of influence, is Princess Toadstool's one and only true love. Sure, he’s a bad influence on her. But this tale is older that that of the rubicks cube. And ancient and reliable truth: That good girls like bad guys.

Surely her parents warned her about those dangerous creatures living just on the other side of Giant Land. But the more she was told of the taboo of the Koopas, the more she became curious. The more talking to the Koopas was forbidden, the more she had to know why. The more she wanted to taste the forbidden fruit. Don’t believe me? Lets look at the case, follow the evidence, and see the truth about this cocktease that Mario has so naively and tragically fallen for.

Suddenly it all comes rushing back.

Kidnapped? As if. While her parents were out recruiting pipe-fitters to rescue their missing daughter, Princess was out with the only piece of eligible Royal ass she could find. At first, King Koopa probably took her on magic carpet rides over desert world, picking her flowers. Ill bet that together, they spit fireballs at goombas and laughed.

At night, she would sneak away to a castle on the border of World 1 and the Mushroom Kindom. She was a nice girl looking for a wild time, and she made sure her entourage of little toads keep the secret. Just as the diligent Mario approached the castle where they were secreted away at on borderlands of the Mushroom Kingdom, and in defiance of the Reptilian-ish overlord, lowered the flag outside his border outpost. Alerted, they looked out the window and saw the plumber coming. In order to keep the affair going, they rushed out of the castle, deeper into the growing Koopa Empire. The sly princess told 1 of her 7 Mushroom attendants to stay behind with a simple message, a message to which we all attatch a deep and sense of resentment:



“Thank you Mario, but the Princess is in another castle”



That sneaky.....


Mario remained ignorant and persistent. Being the Eagle Scout that he is, he followed Koopa's trail through all 7 of his provincial castles, finally leaving them no place to go. Cornered at the main castle in world 8 by this surprisingly hurculean paisano, Koopa and princess devised a clever plan. Having satiated their desires nightly for months on the run, they agreed to fake King Koopas death, let Mario “rescue” the princess, and let the people of the Mushroom Kingdom think that the threat of Koopa is gone forever.

Mario had no clue that King Bowser is not only safe from hot lava, but loves it. Think about it, why else would his whole palace and world be cris-crossed by so many square, and therefore purposefully made rivers of molten rock. Knowing that Mario isn’t the smartest man ever, the star-crossed lovers figured that if Koopa built a bridge, and fell into the lava screaming, Mario return with news of victory, and the princess would come home safe with the harrowing and trajic tale of her “kidnapping”. Once Koopa was defeated, the Princess gave him a kiss on the cheek and was immediately Eager send him away once again.

http://www.vgmuseum.com/end/snes/a/smaw_1.htm

A couple of years passed. Koopa messed around with some of his own kind, breeding 7 children. The heavy variety of this brood, as well as the relatively short time it took King Koopa to father 7 kids suggests they are the children of a harem of Dinosaur Turtle , um, "hotties".

Changes were coming, and soon, the Princess would rise to the throne of the mushroom kingdom.

"They" say that the best way to unite a people and distract them from the problems of their own lives is to give them an enemy. Toadstool had read her Machiavelli.

I would guess that during that first affair and “rescue”, princess was a young and naïve 18. Princess' parents died sometime between mario 1 and 3, as they are mentioned in the manual for Mario 1, but not for Mario 3, or any beyond that. She assumed the throne at an unknown age, which I submit to be between 25 and 30, allowing for her to be old enough to rule, and still young enough to keep her looks. Over time she began to think about Koopa, but decided that she'd gotten all of that out of her system, and for the sake of the kingdom, she must chose to a suitor of her own kind. Like any new monarch, Princess had to keep her kingdom together and establish herself as a strong ruler. But there was a problem.

With it’s absurd abundance of bonus holding blocks, gold coins, and endlessly perfect weather, the Mushroom Kingdom had for as long as anyone could remember, been the envy of all of the known world.

And who, who would have the motive and the opportunity to conquer and take control of the Mushroom Kingdom? A kingdom vulnerable from a recent change of power to a young and hapless diva? Certainly not the brainless inhabitants of giant world, or the intelligent, but unambitious denziens of water world. Only one kingdom had the will, organization, and sheer ambition for power to upset the balance of power and invade the Mushroom Kingdom.

Super Mario 3, the next chapter, gives us the obvious answer. With a standing army of wooden tanks, an armada of battleships, and an overwhelming air force of 7 motherships and dozens of smaller fighters, the Koopa Kingdom was a military powerhouse. King Bowser not only had ordered the construction of a World War 2 era military machine ready and manned near his castle, and as you all remember, but this military was on the move. Remember the music on those levels? Koopa had every intention of ordering his fully equipped log cabin blitzkrieg to conquer and enslave the midget population of the Mushroom Kingdom.

The princess had to do something to save her people. Being populated by hapless 2 foot tall fungi, the utopian kingdom had no way to protect itself. The princes knew she had only one weapon againt the invading dictator. In order to save face, the princess leaves a note for help, grabs as many warp whistles as she can carry, and shows up on the doorstep of Koopas' castle, ready to use her feminine wiles to save her people. But what was planned to be a sex for peace barter ended up a re-ignition of an old flame. Koopa stopped his Military's advance, and kept the massive force close to his castle, protecting their love. This time mario would be kept out by an actual standing army.

Combining her lust for Koopa, and her own desire for power, they re-entered the tabooed embrace. But this was not enough, and princess was tempted by both lust and power. Together the lizard and the hottie signed an unholy pact. A deal to secure for her place of power, and to ensure for Bowser a princess at his side.

Together they would become King and Queen of a combined Koopa and Mushroom Empire. Together, the prosperity of the Mushroom Kingdom and the might of world 8 would be unstoppable. Together they would rule the world.

All that needed happen is for Mario to be defeated at the hands of overwhelming and organized numbers, and the koopa military to enforce the dark covenant on the mushroom people. If necessary, to force them into line at the point of a cannon, or by tossing wrenches at them.

Koopa had it all planned out this time. It would be impossible for mario to get past his huge number of well trained and militarily organized minions. But then the impossible happened.

Amazingly, 7 times in a row, just as they were taking off, the trajically lovesick Mario was able to single handedly hop aboard, over take the defences, and kill the captains of all 7 airships! All the while while raccoon flying, frog-suiting, hammer throwing, and cannonball dodging his way into the very heart of the Koopa Kingdom.

Incredibly, Once in world 8, mario destroyed or snuck past the entire koopa military.
As our stalwart hero finally approached the royal bed-chamber, Koopa and princess pulled a similar trick on the unstoppable, yet innocent and pudgy Mario. This time it was a pitfall rather than lava, but I ask you, do we ever SEE Koopa die? I think not.

Upon Bowser's defeat, the princess is clearly seen crying on screen. She mourns the beast. The princess plays it off, being secretly and profoundly condescending.

"thank you, but our princess is in another castle!... just kidding! Ha Ha Ha! Bye bye

see: http://www.vgmuseum.com/end/snes/a/smaw_3.htm


Mario thinks she's joking.

The details of the plot of Super Mario World are so repetitive as to need no explanation. The key point is that at the very end, after yet another epic journey across more than half a dozen worlds, and being "saved" the Princess grants Mario the pleasure of standing next to her while a big heart shaped firework explodes in the background. The sly princess makes sure mario is facing away from the romantic explosion: She'd hate to give him the wrong idea.

http://www.vgmuseum.com/end/snes/a/smw.htm

The third defeat of King Koopa by Mario imbalanced his own control of the
Mordor-esque Koopa Kingdom. Soon various factions, bastard Koopa Children, and their scheming mothers, with varying claims to inheriting the kingom, constantly squabbled over the throne. Even the 120 stars of power which helped him rule so completely could not stop the increasing chaos.

Years passed and the great military machine of the kingdom was fighting and destroying itself. Bowser was the target of numerous assassination attempts, and it seemed to King Bowser that his days were numbered.

Wanting to retire peacefully, Bowser gathered all his most loyal followers, and a few new experimental monsters, the 120 stars , and staged a desperate grab at power. Not in the Koopa Kingdom, but for the prize he always wanted. With his personal guard and a crack batallion of monsters, Koopa managed to lay seige to the Princess’ castle, and took control of a small piece of land surrounding it, claiming for himself a new castle home. As before, the princess was delighted and intimidated all at once. A soon as she saw him, she gave way to her lust and let Bowser and his small army in through the secret moat entrance. (remember, down by the pond?) This explains the relative ease of his takeover.

Thus, Mario 64 begins. Koopa hides the 120 stars around the castle. Certainly, enough stars to control a whole kindom would make a little castle invincible.

To save face to her constituents, the Princess “snuck” a "secret" message out to Mario again. It reads verbatum:

"Mario, please come to the castle. I've baked a cake. Yours truly, Princess Toadstool. Signed Peach"

Koopa probably ate the whole cake as soon as he arrived.

The Princess' deceptive note is clever, but Mario, the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, was again underestimated by the couple in love. As always, Mario did his job a little too well. Mario negotiates dozens of levels, and all sorts of new monsters, eventually manging to collect a majority of the stars, thus gaining gaining control of the castle. Mario opened the entrance to the top of the castle and destroyed Bowser, dissipating him and combining all his remaining essense into one giant star. After defeating bowser, Mario even went so far as to gather all 120 stars, and the new super star made of old bowser parts, and used them to strengthen the Mushroom Kingdom. Together, Mario and the Princess would ensure its peace and prosperity for all time. The princess floats down from the castle, like some kind of snow white, pretending to have been asleep the whole time. She preteds to wake up, and thanks Mario for his extraordinary service. She gives him a kiss on the nose. We all hoped this might lead, finally, to Mario getting some action. But the last thing the Princess was interested in is getting with Mario, and so she changes the subject rudely and abruptly. She reccomends baking a cake.

http://www.sca.ch/mario/marioend.htm

Our final reward is not a cathardic romantic embrace, but rather a picture of a cake that can't be eaten, or even removed from the screen unless you actually press reset. Some prize.

This 4th "kidnapping" weakened the Princess’ rule of the kingdom. The Mushroom kingdom, took advantage of the historical prosperity, as well as the weakness of the monarchy, and began the slow transition to democracy. Over time her role as Princess became more and more symbolic.

At the end of Mario 64 Koopa disintegrated and was formed into a new, oversized star, a process we are meant to assume is irreversible. An apparent Koopa death. Although now just a figurehead, Mario entrusts the Princess with the stars and therefore the stability and prosperity of her kingdom.

So she does the absolute worst thing she possibly could with them.


Abusing the trust Mario blindly put in her, the Princess secretly choose her own passion over the good of her people.

In the ONLY possible explanation for the survival ofKing Koopa: The princess MUST have somehow secretly changed the star back into Bowser. Once she has her true love back in physical form, the Princess knows she can't have The King of World 8 walking around the castle in a bathrobe, and so she reccomeneded a nice, far away paradise where the two of them could meet and indulge their love. A place where the previous sagas would be distant, even unknown legend. A nice little hideaway called:


Isle Deflino…


The very island where Mario Sunshine, the most recent of the Core Mario stories, takes place.

The Princess, who was by then becoming more of a figurehead than actual ruler, suggested her and Mario drop some tax-payer gold coin, hop on a plane, and disappear to this tropical paradise to get away from all the hectic business of the Mushroom Kingdom. The doting Chancellor aboard the plane escorting the couple only further underlines the loss of power the Princess has suffered. Mario enthusiastically agrees to go. He was sure that this was it. He would finally score with the Princess.

But he would not be so lucky.

The Princess is “abducted” again (feel free to roll your eyes) by a koopa child poorly disguised as Mario. Apparently the active camoflauge technology he's using only shows black and white. (As a side note, this proves that all the residents of isle Delfino, who thought it actually WAS Mario, are all colorblind). This nifty scourge is infact Bowser Koopas’ only loyal son. Being a chip off the ol’ spikey shell, Koopa’s kid wanted nothin gmore than to cause havoc in the island community. For no good reason other than being a brat and getting attention, the younger Koopa covered the island in various colors of oozy pollution. In addition to this he began to change the island to something closer to his native environment of Koopa World. Pursuant to this, he stole and hid the sun sprites to darken the skies, and got the islands volcano started up, ready to produce more Lava. Koopa was just happy to get rid of the kid while he and the Princess humped their brains out.

In order to save the damsel he naively beleives is indistress, Mario enlists the help of a water shooting jet/backpack called F.L.U.D.D. Basically its like a Super Soaker 5 billion. Mario managed not only to single handedly collect all the Sun Sprites, but also clean every last drop of pollution without any help from the lazy stoned natives. After that epic adventure, Mario charges into the volcano which towers over the island, and (SPOILER ALERT!) negotiates yet another lava covered final level. At the end of this harrowing task our heroic italian reaches the heart of the volcano where King Bowser awaits:


In a Jacuzzi. With the Princess. I MEAN C'MON! you think Mario would figure this out by now.

"They" also say you only see what you want to. Mario saw a prisoner needing to be rescued. Truth of the matter? He was interrupting some kinky Dinosaur/Princess nooky. The princess is surprised to see him.

“Mario?” she says.

You can almost see Bowser roll his eyes as the princess begins faking like she needs help, And the saga unfolds as it had before. Bowser can't beleive this brat has done it again. King Koopa fakes death once more, and he and his son are shot skyward by the volcano, which he controls, out past the horizon.

Koopa gets thwarted, but doesnt really die. Princess gives Mario another kiss on the nose or something weak like that. And the Princess and Koopa continue their quest to love without judgement.

And now....

World 8 lies prostrate from internal squabbling and many defeats at the hands of Mario. The Mushroom Kingdom enjoys an unprecedented golden age of freedom and prosperity.

But sadly, Mario continues to be teased along toward his unattainable dream of the Princess's peach.


Poor bastard.


Till Next time….

-Baldacchino.